Ladybird Books "The Computer" (1971)

 

Computers are a new invention, having been developed by both American and Soviet authorities in their quest for space exploration and more deadly weapons of war. This book is to help the beginner understand what computers are and how they may affect our daily lives. Written by Manly Mann PhD, Head Curator, The Cabbage Museum of Calculating Machines and David Scary, PhD, Professor of Theoretical Mathematics, Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Assisted by Blames Wife, Architect, and Big Huge Robinson with Herald Bitwomb MRSCIS, Fine Artists. This book uses the new Linotype Hell Doppler-Laser Configurator with Pure Optical Laser Beams encased within Powerful Electromagnets. This technology enables the typist to preview and adjust any aspect of the typesetting before it runs on press. Our grateful thanks to the 485 technicians, operators, electricians, electronicists, management and staff of the Linotype-Hell complex. Thanks also to Dr B. Binary, Dr Mega Byte, Dr Taped Rive and the staff of Random Access Memory for the disjointed and useless trivia so thoughtfully presented. Acknowledgements The publishers wish to thank the following for their contributions: Waddom Ajcess Mepory, Inv Dr Beardsley McTurbanhead, Institute for Atomic Studies, Algeria Dr Janet Redacted, author of “101 Ways to Do It in Zero Gravity” ENIAC and the two-bit bus Whoever invented Television, Dr F. Machine, author of “Potential Transmission Principles” Whoever invented the Telephone The Philips Magnetic Tape Manufacturing Facility, Barbados Copyright 1971 Ladybird Books, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
INTRODUCTION Following WWII, the arms race and the space race, it has emerged that a new type of technology now has a distinct development path. These machines are called ‘computers’. Much like calculators, computers can calculate according to a set of pre-defined instructions. These instructions are accumulated in sets known as 'programs' by highly-skilled demigods whose minds don’t work like ours. This proved useful when going to the moon, although to make sure it worked properly, four technicians had to go with. By Apollo 14, the on-board computers were down to 0.02 mps (mistakes per second), from the original 64 mps prototype that blew up the Death Star. RELAXING Working with large numbers, such as banks do, places great stress on the computer. The operators have to work slowly and gently, as not to upset the delicate balance. Before relaxing the computer, the operator backs up the data by writing it down, or punching holes in cards. FILES A ‘file’ is like a book. To find the file, the operator opens the bin and inverts it, spreading the contents out to make searching easier. Search spiders assist in locating the information you’re looking for, but are prone to exploding if accidentally learning French. The left-over information is vacuumed by bees and returned to the master store for verification.
HISTORY 1,200 BC Archaeological findings in the ruins of Cheops’ tomb included a ‘machine of unknown purpose’. This was later discovered to be an early form of sex swing, capable of fantastic mechanical manoeuvre. Such mechanics were the precursors to Mark Cabbage’s first Calculon, The Impressive Deducing Engine Mark Three, since three of them were called Mark. 1625 This engine was a revelation, replacing hundreds of pre-schoolers in factories. Cabbage went on to invent the punched card for self-playing pianos, for which he won a Pulitzer Prize, then applied that to his engine. This replaced all the schoolchildren in the factories, and the young adults started fearing for their jobs. 1642 Following Cabbage’s death at the hands of an angry mob, Blaise Pascal invented the Automatic Incredible Calculating Super-Brain, a mechanical calculator that could add. Tabulator Htllerith combined the designs into one monster machine, the seven-ton behemoth “HTLLERITH ONE” with self-suffocating vacuum energy dispersal unit. The unit could do the work of 117 pre-schoolers and 25 schoolchildren at once, and yet only making 4.5 mps. MUSEUM The skeletons of these rare fossils can be seen at the Stuttgart Museum of Torture and Pain. At the flower stand on the square, ask for Mario and say Guido sent you.
DIFFERENT DESIGNS As the machines evolved, they became more complex. To simplify matters, the functions of the machine are broken up into modules connected by cables. MODULAR The key modules are: The Brain, The Brain Mark II, The Store, The Input Device, the Output Device, Kittens, Bees and Dirk Benedict. Scientology is optional. The machine is also becoming more compact. As mechanical gears gave way to switches, then valves, transistors and ultimately the Integrated Circuit, the machine gets progressively smaller. As such, at this rate, by 1992 all the world’s railways will be controlled by a machine not visible to the naked eye. A higher than usual death toll on the rails may indicate the machine has a malfunction and locating it will not be easy. A computer room is the dust-free environment where the modules are installed. The layout is open, so no hanky-panky can go on, although most of the cabinets are empty and they could go in there if they wanted to. The more modern ultra-super-compact layout has cabinets that a couple would find uncomfortable, but not impossible. The straps in the cabinet are then used to crank a generator and provide the All Spark. The newest machine today is the Lexington 2000, with sub-cabinets to harness the excess energy of children so that they tire out and want to sleep. Up to 2,000 Lexingtons can be daisy-chained to keep as many as 4,000 people busy generating answers to puzzles, a process called ‘mining’. The next-generation machine, the Flexington, will work much like the Vibraton Calculon 1000 but have far more space for the bees. A leading alternative design hails from Norway; the Fjord or water-powered processing unit. Such units are usually located within hydroelectric dams or close to water-wheel-derived electrical power.
MODERN USES FOR COMPUTERS If there’s a way to automate it, it will be automated. All the jobs we either hate or are useless at, machines will undoubtedly save us so we can get fat in peace. BALLISTICS & SPACE EXPLORATION No more hit-and-miss style artillery, let’s see if we can predict what will happen. The moon is a lot easier to miss than you might think. NAVIGATION Lost? Well what you need is the computer! You’ll recognise it, it looks like a building. SCIENCE FICTION At last! The machines will FINALLY take over and we’ll get some much better sci-fi going. BANKING If you can’t count, don’t trust anyone and wish to be completely secure, just computer-ize it all and pray there isn’t a power cut. PROPAGANDA Reach more people faster once everyone has one of these two point two million dollar installations in their basement or wing. PRINTING It’s no use inside a computer but when you print it out on paper, it then becomes real. Printers today use the monkey-hammer array, with either 32 or 64 monkeys arranged in a line, a wheel or a ball. POWER Once the computers have it, it ain’t coming back.
THE FLOW OF INFORMATION In computing, flowcharts describing the logic are of enormous value. A flowchart looks like this: The computer, as a flowchart, looks like the page opposite. “Meat’ does NOT mean penis, it stands for Multi Extraneous Aligned Telelinguistics, also known as typing. Kittens are not essential but are known to improve the capacity of the machine, meaning it breaks down less often.

THE INFORMATION STORE WHY STORE INFORMATION? To get people used to the idea so that eventually you can charge them for it. ANTI-DATA CORRUPTION To verify all data, the bees  use pollen to simulate a simulation. When operator ‘A’ input doesn’t agree with the verification from operator ‘B’, the terminals lock and the operators are electrocuted. DATA CLEANING Data washing and Data rinsing are the same thing: manipulation, correction, invention and eradication are the four primary functions. THE HARD DRIVE The big cabinets can have as many as 4 romping adults or ten dogs. Wheelchair access is at the far side panel. The ports are camera mounts so technicians can monitor the activity level on a new invention: the Betamax  Tape Capture and Archive Magnetic Ferric Flying Binary Dipole Super System (not in picture). BACKUP On application, the Church of Scientology will etch your data onto large silver disks and blast them into low-Earth orbit, where they will remain until required. You may request to be blasted aloft at the same time, but the return journey is your problem.
PUPPY CONTROL SYSTEM No-one knows how, why or what a puppy control system is, but every computer must have one. This limits the computer lifespan to one year, owing to the puppy growing up. Puppy control is the master system override which keeps the populations of kittens and bees under close scrutiny. Note the under-desk sub-cabinets for the bees, which circulate from fresh (at right) to spent (at left). The operator is getting ready to load fresh bees. Note that, like puppies, computers must rest every few minutes but be furiously frantic when awake. The flowchart pictured here is a model of the theory of computers, to remind the operators of what they’re trying to do. This system is known as the Puppy-Ultimate Primary Processing Yarn (P.U.P.P.Y.) as opposed to the Kink It Then Try Enunciate Now (K.I.T.T.E.N.) method, or the ever-popular Binary Extreme Ejection System (B.E.E.S.)
THE MACHINE BRAIN For decades, mankind has been striving to recreate the human brain, forgetting that all it really requires is sex. However, scientists feel the artificial brain will be cleverer than a person, so to make the artificial brain they need an artificial brain. THE ULTIMATE GOAL The purpose of Artificial Intelligence would be, firstly, to improve itself. Self-awareness is encapsulated in autonomy. The next task will be to build better versions of itself. To expedite matters, we might as well start worshipping it now. XEROGRAPHY This is a dry photocopy technique which draws a paper ribbon past a bee hive, tapping the container with a hammer and making the bees angry. Through a very complicated process, the bees are transformed into parts of kitten, which then self-assemble and carry out the important role of moving the data along. After this, magic, Dirk Benedict and the Bombay Sunshine Band permit the calculations to continue smoothly. Xerox stole the idea and added an “X” because the ‘X makes it cool.’ S.C.R.E.E.N. Sight-Corrected Rectangular Enhanced Emission Notification is a system which blasts electrons at your face, then puts a very fat piece of glass in the way before trapping the electrons in a vacuum. It’s all terribly safe. The electrons are murdered 50 times a second to ensure a nice, flicker-free, miniature monochrome baby television. Not to be confused with “Graphical Display Unit”, a group of flashers.
WOMEN AND COMPUTERS Computers have made it abundantly plain that they prefer female operators, for reasons known only to themselves.  While a male may be as productive, he will on average be electrocuted 18 times per hour, compared to zero times per hour for the typical female. NO FOSSIL FUELS The enormous power used by these machines is offset by the Kinetic Energy Reclamation Unit (or Hydrocarbon Reclamation Unit) which uses the movements of the operators to derive operational power. HARD READER Input happens sometimes via punched card, which is usually crumpled bits of card. These and other hard things are jammed in there in order to be computed. Somehow. AUTO SPANK For the adventurous, another peripheral with dubious origin and mythical purpose. Part of the ‘Plug-n-Play’ paradigm of all such machines, a.k.a. ‘networking’.
NEW ERA OF SURVEILLANCE As soon as everything connects to everything else, we’ll be able to watch our wives have their affairs from the comfort of the office. REVENGE Imagine a war with no casualties! Wars of the future will be fought inside computers, so it is essential that operators make use of only the strongest bees. DIY SSS The Do-It-Yourself Secret Spy Satellite kit comes complete with Titano-Cronik Magnets, enabling you to slap the thing on the side of any rocket headed to orbit. Inside, a monkey with a camera takes the photos and returns once the film is used up. TOWERS These systems (“tele-processing”) rely on tall masts to broadcast the images, so you need to build lots of them, the taller the better.
COMPUTERS AND SEX While all sorts of activity is useful, people having sex when strapped into the cabinets provide the most efficient energy with no pollution problems. Operators are often seen too exhausted to move, or perhaps electrocuted / stimulated too often. The work is difficult and tiring and only the most dedicated make it to the change of shift. The kittens are known to make use of pornography to motivate the operators, but little is known about the material, where it came from and why it is so effective. The bees inside the cabinets reproduce automatically and only need to be topped up periodically.
THE FUTURE Imagine a future where computers do everything for us, and all we have to do is lie there. The diagram facing page shows a theoretical setup for continuous orgasm, which could be the most popular activity in the year 2000. For such an on-demand system, operators would be called on to service many people simultaneously, meaning the entire city could be attended to by a single operations centre. Continued miniaturisation of computers means they can be inserted into the body to perform various functions, like zapping cancer, viruses, sperm, impure thoughts and inhibitions.