It’s not easy being a vampire

Nonetheless, since I was already nocturnal and preferred my steak somewhat rare, I figured vampirism would suit. It has an alluring style; snappy yet goth-esque attire, the vague odour of undead (and zombies are always popular)… and let’s not forget flying around, which is fun, although it’s more like running around but with the benefit (and curse) of an additional dimension.

Well I didn’t think it through properly. I mean, for the most part, birds tend to sleep at night and not fly around, and that’s because the likelihood of a head-on, high-speed collision is somewhat greater when you can’t see what’s coming – and you already know how I worked that one out. You will not believe how many bugs there are in the lower atmosphere at night. Tall, thin, metal poles, too, like there was a sale on or something.

 

Elvis demonstrates in a 16mm educational short ‘Vampirism for Beginners’

My favourite haunt is creepy park. It’s called something else, but a cute girl I met there one very misty and gloomy evening typed her name in my phone as ‘Tara Creepy Park Girl’ and so the name stuck. So I’d hang out in creepy park, in the twilight, and pounce on passers-by. Or at least try to. I think it’s the lack of proper lighting, possibly, but in truth my aim is quite far off. Many are walking their dogs, then, which become surprised dogs when I accidentally land on them. Dogs can’t see the undead, as it happens, and are easily surprised, too, so that’s pretty normal I think.

 

That’s right, it’s basically just mindblowing sex.

There are few remedies for such shortcomings. Over time, the situation should resolve itself, albeit at the expense of any pleasant exchanges with strange dogs. Also, living where I do poses no advantage either, because overseas you can bet there’d be ten thousand products marketed specifically at vampires that could make life easier. I can think of at least ten apps that would revolutionize vampire life. Early warning dawn alarm. HS low altitude navigation (HUD), a Tinder-style thing for volunteers, a vampire dating site – yes please – and I think something like Uber, but takes care of cleaning clothes. Difficult stains on fragile (and old) fancy garments, bug splat remover and delivery by drone Thank You Jesus.

 

VampHub, Vampire Maps, VampBook, SnapVamp, InstaVamp and WhatsVapp are some Vampire-centric hangouts.

That said, the smartphone has made modern vampirism a lot more fun. 

Vampchat, InstaVamp, VampHub, Vampire Maps & WhatsVapp 

have all made for a far friendlier and more social vibe when prowling about. InstaVamp even has collision detectors so no-one gets decapitated when taking a selfie -because then you're usually flying backwards or in a loop or something and the divorce of formerly useful body parts can be a bit of a buzzkill. Nobody does VampBook any more, bloodsuckers that they are. And anyway Zuck is Yuck, it seems, although let's not rule out werewolf just yet.

Vampires in Popular Music

Here’s a few:

Adam Vamp

Alice Vamper

Arcade Vamp

Blue Oyster Vamp

Vampire Method

The Vamp (cure)

The Vamp (damned)

David Vampy

Dead Can Vamp

Vamp and the Bunnymen

Elvis Vampire

Kings of Vamp

Vampy Playground

Marilyn Vampson

Mercury Vamp

My Chemical Vampire

Vamp Young

Pet Shop Vamps

Peter Vamp

Prague Philharmonic Vampestra

Vamp Zombie

Siouxsie and the Vampires

Sisters of Vampy

Vamp Doctors

Vampi Amos

ZZ Vamp

There’s a complete list on some deranged fanatic’s blog somewhere.

how to recognize your fellow vampire

vampire humor. this almost never happens.

his story was equally peculiar

vampire marketing isn't very good

vampirepassions.com is... not passionate

I hope someone recalls the rare VAMPIRE ORCA, first seen on this very blog back in 2015.