the fakery

Beware of fakes! Only genuine "The Fakery" fakes are 99.9% fake whereas other fakes may be only half fake, or all fake, or not. Beware, also, of fake fakes, the copies of fakes, although they are impossible to tell apart so, you know, just be aware of that. Reality does have fake fakes of fakes, which are 33.3% fake each. Beware also of fake "The Fakery" fakes, some of which are difficult to tell if they are fake (or fake fakes) or not, but which are.

 Everything is fake, even the fake stuff has been faked. Nothing is real. If you think it's real, or think reality is a good starting point, it's not. Look at anything carefully and see it isn't what you think it is. The virtual dimension doesn't exist without the digital circuitry to interpret it, so that's not real and anyway reality is probably 30% real at best. In this sea of fake fakenocity, an island of pure, unadulterated fake, so fake that fake things look only slightly fake. 

Faking extreme fake is easy to fake, as evidenced by the statement "To extreme is easy" before all the extra fake was added. It isn't easy to spot fakes now that the digital age means fake is everywhere, but with a lot of practice, you'll soon be up and believing the fakes like the rest of us. Fakes are good. Fake fakes are good good (in the same way yum becomes yum yum) Fakes are always better, cheaper and/or easier than the real thing, and sometimes last longer, And since TV and the internet are fake anyway, embracing the fake as a lifestyle is certainly beneficial. 

 FAKE FAKERY 

The first act of fake is simply to say it's real. The important part is that people believe you. Take anything and say, "This is a fake! Fraudulent forgery!" and people will say, Hmm, this person is really good. I would never have guessed. Or get someone to point and say "This person is an impostor!" - equally good. Then pick up any fake thing and declare "This one is real!" and people will applaud. You will not know if it is genuine applause, but that's not important. 

 Second aspect of fake to master is the signature. This is to fund further acts of fake. Proper fake can be costly, particularly if you have to fly to Venezuela every time you're up for a few grams. 

 With excellence in fakery comes the International Fakery Award for the Most Convincing Apple Product Clone, a competition held annually in China. The winning item is awarded $1Bn by the government, partly to replace everything Apple in China and partly to ship out with the fake product and spy on Americans. DO NOT WORRY if you haven't cashed in on this, pretty soon everyone will realize it's all fake, except the orgasms, which are fake. And the boobs, which are fake. Say 'No!' to natural boobs and get exciting new streamlined fake boobs. FAKE REALITY 

 You are fake, your relationships are fake, everything is fake. It's nothing to worry about because it doesn't matter. The term "real" only applies to this moment, now, insofar as you can use this as a platform to evaluate fake. Fake is better anyway. Blonde hair, usually, is fake. Other colours are also fake. But we love these things no matter how fake we know them to be. Once you accept the sheer fakeness of everything, you can move on to master of fake and controller of destiny. Be prepared for fake fulfilment and fake accolades from loads of attractive, fake people. Actual fulfilment is real and therefore not covered in this section. 

 MASTER OF FAKE 

 Training for the role of Master Faker is really a LOT easier than it seems. The hierarchy is quantified by the number of lies you successfully got away with. Once the most fake people are identified, at first falsely but then later on not actually, they settle into a pattern. In the manner of HIGHLANDER, a new Master is seated when he cuts off the head of the current Master with a very big sword, and then lightning strikes and you have to shout "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE" with stirring music etc. It is important to strike a heroic pose in oversize clothes like a trench coat or Viking helmet. 

 FAKELOSOPHY 

 Long, long ago, in 350 BC, a chap called Aristotle (they didn't have surnames then) predicted the year zero would be in 350 years' time, leading many to believe he was a time traveller. He would tell fantastic tales from the future, mostly concerning young naked girls for some reason In fact, he was a fake time traveller, so to conceal this, he invented Fakelosophy. Anyone who could expose him as fake, he could expose them first, plus his new title and vocation sounded very academic and grand, so nobody bothered to question it. 

 Almost two thousand years later, in his 1644 runaway bestseller "Principles of Fakelosophy", René Descartes declared that everything that wasn't reason was fake. His reasoning was pro-fake and anti-reason, the reason for the real fake reason was that the reasoning behind the real reason wasn't reasonably fake. The fakelosophy was disowned by the real Descartes when he eventually surfaced, which ironically proved the claim and made the book more popular. 

 About a hundred years later (apparently), David Hume, in his famous "Treatise of Human Fakeness ", founded the central fakelosophy that the aim of existence is to fake it. To prove his point, in 1735, he slept with his sister, then changed his name from Home to Hume so he wouldn't get into trouble. This proved popular amongst his many other sisters who would take turns alternately licking and beating him to get him in the mood. Aside from "Home" Hume also went by Hame, Heme, Hyme, Hime, Huime, Hewme and Heume (and on isolated occasions, "Doctor Pain" ) 

 A short fifty years later, in 1785, it was Immanuel Kant who argued that space and time are fake, and that all we can do is see them but never know how real they are. He discovered his family was fake, and this blew his mind, so he quickly established three fake families in different time zones. "This proves fake is real" he claimed, in a haze of exhaustion. 

 Another hundred years on, in 1874, Frederick Nietzsche (a.k.a. "Freddy Nothing") concluded that fake was real, and real was nothing. To prove his point, he went mad, which his wife described as 'inconvenient' until she converted the house into a brothel. With "Mad Freddy"' on guard, his wife and daughters operated a highly successful enterprise in the relative peace of knowing that everything is probably fake anyway. 

 Fakelosophy went into decline around 1900 as photography was invented and pornography replaced fakelosophy as an academic pursuit. Don't worry if you're not a great fakelosopher, no one is. All the famous names were just good at faking it, simply because back then there was no other way of getting it done. 

 FAKEOLOGY 

 The study of fake (or the fake studies of fake, or faking the faking of fake studies of studies of studying fakes) has its origins around 150 BCE when Egyptian merchants would try and con Romans into giving them their women. During the reign of Antonius Fakerius (Antonio Augustus Fakus) (161-138BCE) the senate noticed the dwindling number of women and found out they were being used as bribes to obtain food, clothing, arms, ammunition and unwanted children. Antonius set up the Federali Investigatissmo Alloro Librepronto (FAIL) to try and get the women back. 

 The FAIL doctrine pressed on to modern times, aligning itself with the adage "Profit at any cost", but only emerged as an academic pursuit in commerce during the 1960's, when everyone was distracted. In this time, several institutions began pioneering courses in Bachelor of Fakeology, most notably in the Human Sciences. Popular modules included Public Perception, Crop Circles and Flying Objects 101, Conservative Anarchy and Legal Avoidance. In 1973 a student at Nowhere U, Doesn Oteksist, created a resurgence of interest in the field. Following a legal battle where bacteria won a landmark case against JOLT Cola, he changed his name to Eric Coli, and ultimately earned unspecified millions as the benefactor to the undisclosed Cola Cases. Today, Eric is considered the finest faker of his generation, having popularized a very niche field of study. 

 From the late 1980's, students of Fakeology established the 'Fake Houses', areas of campus where they could interact and envision large-scale schemes. This led to a social phenomenon known as DISCO and is the reason why people today dance in silly curly ovals. These and other existence-bending and financially fortuitous events describe the courseware for the avid Fakeology student. On graduation, a certificate declaring a Bachelor of Arts is awarded, with a large 'FAKE' stamp over the certificate and some very fine white-out work to conceal the 'FAKE' stamp. The Chancellor's signature reads "Iam Fake-Certificate" but his writing is so untidy it could be anything, really. 

 FAKEOTOMY & FAKEOTOMOLOGY 

 No, those words don't exist but for a short while you thought they did, and that's all fake right there. No artificial fake, no famous theories or world-changing falgorithms, just raw-as-dirt slap-in-the-face hand-down-your-trousers dick-in-the-ass eyewatering kindof fake. 

 FAKEATOMY VS FAKEOTOMY (DISAMBIGUATION) 

 Fakeatomy, of course, is real; as many fake doctors know, fake anatomy is crucial to understanding the fake body and resurrecting the dead ones. Fake bodies die all the time so a large component of Fakeatomy Studies are the various techniques for reanimation. One semester is spent just generating lightning in the event of accidental fakeilure. Students go on to be Doctor of Fakeatomy and Surgeon of Fakeatomy, the latter course often sliced down to just a few modules, then sewn up again so it looks like nothing happened. Fakeotomy, on the other hand, is the study of the pretence of having performed, or endured, the amputation of the frontal lobe of the brain. The pretence itself is very simple, so typical Fakeotomic studies conclude within 5 years, or seven seconds as you wait for the Fake Certificate to print. Not to be confused with Fakebottomy, Faketittomy or Faketottomy. 

 Fakeotomological studies are concerned with the simulated study of pretending to make fake pictures of fake insects. The two-part course deals with common methods of faking insects and newer, virtual techniques making the fake insects look even less fake or be even more fake as a consequence. The faketographc part of the course shows how to generate fake pictures thru various fake processes, both invented and fictional. A Professor of Fakeotomology is able to convince anyone that a block of air is in fact a picture of an insect that is either extinct or hasn't evolved yet. It is unwise to combine Fakeotomy and Fakeotomology in a single curriculum as the two halves of the brain disagree and in the resulting fight, one half usually sulks and wants to move out. At this point the student is no longer capable of speech and has to act out basic sentences through the medium of interpretive dance. Ordering a Big Mac may take two people as long as four hours to accurately dance out when their brains are busy arguing. 

 A Master of Fakeotonomic Faketomology is known as a special needs case or sometimes suffers from nervous breakdown, possibly owing to the nonstop screaming of the phrase "I'm a fucking Senior Fakeotonomic Faketomologist Class One, you uneducated inbred retard" while destroying a Fisher-Price Pocket Bang Toy Drum in order to achieve the correct, mind-numbing volume. 

 FAKECTOMY & FAKEMACOLOGY 

 It is widely acknowledged in medical circles that the acceptance of a prosthesis to replace an amputated part is aided by the cultivation of a ghost appendage. Without the idea of the fake limb, the old limb struggles to pass on its knowledge to the new limb. This interdependence we have with denial is known as the Study of Fakectomy. Like a placebo control capsule, the Fakectomatic person must believe they have had an amputation in order to get well. 

The easiest way to deal with this is to inform the patient that their head was amputated (or their body, same thing), and hope the new head doesn't have the same hang-ups. Generally, the new head is worse than the old head, but we don't mention that. 

 For those talented fakers with a penchant for recreational drugs, a career in Fakemacology awaits. After two years of study, the student is able to claim some kinship with pharmaceuticals and find some manner of work at the back, stuffing pills into their jacket pockets, coat lining, fake heels, tog bag, mouth, nose, bra, ass, other people, cocktails, coffee or conveniently crushed up and arranged in short skinny lines on whatever smooth and vaguely level surface presents itself in a crowded bathroom stall. 

 FAKETORECTOMY & FAKEPENDECTOMY 

 Faketorectomy is deceiving others into thinking that one has had something surgically removed. Common things to remove surgically are Poor Taste, Bad Manners, Unsexiness, Age and Higher Brain Function. These can be faked. 

 An antifaketorectomist is a girl who wears a push-up bra but lets people believe she's had a boob job. A Fake-antifaketorectomist just tells people her boobs are bigger, and a Pseudofakeantifaketorectomist is a girl whose boobs suddenly got bigger for no reason. Men are said to be obstinately Anti-antipseudofakeantifaketorectomist, while those preoccupied with large breasts are known as Pro-pseudofakeantifaketorectomists. 

 Fakependectomy is the simulated removal of the Pendix, the seat of Fake and the ability to perceive its existence. Non-pendectomous people are unable discern sarcasm and take everything literally. Faking this entire deal is called Fakependectomy, or one may be said to be Fakependectemous (or Fakependectemonius / Fakependectitudinous), depending on the tense of the verb.).

FAKERECIPOCITOMOGRAPHEOTONOLOGY

It is very seldom that anyone can remember the title Professor of Fakerecipocitomo-grapheotonology, so this chair in academia is known as Professor of Fake Boobs, a vacant title that's a lot easier to remember. And spell. I shouldn't need to tell you, that's a fake word. However, pronounced correctly, it is vaguely plausible that it could be real , which is the seed of doubt. Now I shall return to my fakerecipocitomographeotonological duties without further delay.

FAKESEMIPHENOLOMOGRATOHEMIMORPHITOXIMOTOGRAPHIPHOTOUNGEOINTRASANSEXTRAPRECOMBINOLOGY 

 US Version: The alleged doctrine of the pretence of the illusions of having superficially studied the stage before combinology, excluding both areas inside (without outsides) half-graphic mechanical cameras, while sort of poisoned on mostly phenol, for free. Euro version: Alluding to a highly complex and confusing state of combination studies There is an associated field dedicated to working out what someone in this field actually does, but the name of that qualification is longer than this one and starts to pose problems with logic. In practice, the official title is "Some Sort of Expert", usually followed by sex in case they're an expert at that. Undergraduates are often seen in t-shirts declaring "Fuck me, I'm a fakesemiphenolomogratohemimorphitoximotographiphotononbigeo-intrasansextraprecombinologist" simply because the field exists.